My Unloving Marriage
When I first met my husband it was love at first sight. I was instantly smitten. We met at a party through mutual friends when I was 21. I still remember turning around and seeing him and just knowing he was mine. I never thought in a million years, we would run out of love. I never thought that when I was running down the aisle to marry him that we would be miserable together. But 13 years after meeting here we are. I am in a loveless marriage.
Not everyday in my marriage is bad. A lot of days it’s just nothing. There is no passion, no emotion, no deep conversation, some days barely any talking at all. Just the daily shared chores of our household. We both go about our lives sometimes in the same room and sometimes not. Other day’s it sucks. Like today, my husband and I argued from 5:30–7am. It only ended because I walked away. We went over everything from bills to how we treat each other to how sick I am of arguing all the time. It’s just a monotonous cycle.
My husband says he loves me at times but when love is conditional it isn't love. One thing I never realized is that with love comes grace. When you love someone you overlook their flaws and faults. You don’t care about their neediness or where you don’t meet because you just love them enough to make it work. But when love is gone there is no grace. There is nothing to soften the reality of who your spouse is and reality just sets in. You see them for all that they are, probably less than they are because their flaws is what is strikingly obvious when you aren’t happy.
And if I’m being honest I don’t feel any love for him any longer as well. I feel nothing most of the time, the longing to be alone. I feel irritated a lot because he relies on me for things he should be able to do himself like running simple errands or making phone calls.
We are both in a constant state of frustration because we have different values, he wants a nice house and that’s pretty much it. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest. I don’t want to blink and miss something because we’re only here for a bit. But he doesn’t care about any of that yet he holds me back enough to where I feel it. I think of him like a large fragile piece of baggage I carry around.
Most days, I would like to leave my marriage. I fantasize about getting an apartment that is just mine. Somewhere to be alone with just myself, something I have never had the opportunity to do. But the sad part is I don’t know if I ever will. It takes a lot of strength to leave but it also takes a lot of strength to stay. I don’t believe in divorce but I also feel like I am becoming my mother for staying in such a bad relationship for so long. I feel like a little piece of me dies everyday.
In a perfect world, I want to be loved. I want to truly be someone’s partner outside of just sharing household chores and bills. I also think back to the early years of our marriage and in a way I think we had that even if it was fleeting. Maybe after 13 years you just lose it. Maybe to have that you have to give up more of yourself, something I am not willing to do. I am not sure what it takes, I am not sure if I ever will.
